Does chocolate feel pain?

Hot damn it’s been a long time since I wrote on this thing. Not that I haven’t been out pestering strangers, I just haven’t been writing about it.

Two weeks ago, I was asked by my editor to interview Khaled Hosseini, the Afghanistan-born author of The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hosseini gained prominence for being the first best-selling Afghan writer in the Western world, having put his book out during a time when most Americans thought Afghan meant either “footrest” or “crazy terrorist.”
Both books are sold in Starbucks, and Kite Runner is now a movie that spawned outrage in Afghanistan over the sodomizing of a young boy in one portion of the movie.
So I had to interview the guy for the Examiner’s 3-Minute Interview, a section that takes 30 minutes to interview for, 20 minutes to right and about 30 seconds to read. And we call it the 3-Minute Interview.
I had to keep them generic because I haven’t read the book, despite the fact that the Hosseini and I are both Independence High School graduates. So I led with…
“I read in news reports that you recently invited current Independence students to a screening of Kite Runner, what was it like being able to do that for your old school?”
“I did what?”
“I read that you had given a screening of Kite Runner to IHS students?”
“Not that I know of…”
“Oh, nevermind then…”
Strike one

Also, interesting note, my computer kept changing IHS to HIS (see, tried to do it there again), as if I were writing about Jesus. Screw him, his birthday was yesterday, today he’s just another schmuck on a stick.

I followed with some (safer) questions about working with screenwriters, seeing your product on the big screen, blah blah blah.
Then I asked my first funny question.
“The screenwriter who wrote Kite Runner, David Benioff, also wrote Troy and is working on the Wolverine spin-off, were you ever intimidated that your story didn’t involve warriors in leather?”
“Was I intimidated or was David?”
“No, like, did you ever want to add a super-warrior in leather to your story to match the others?”
“No, he didn’t say I needed to really add anything…”
“No, its like, a joke, you know, cause he writes such varied things?”
“Oh, I guess I don’t get it…”
Strike 2

We kept talking for a bit, and for some reason, I kept coming back to David Benioff. And – come to think of it – I’ve read 25th Hour, seen it, seen Troy, plan to see Wolverine. I should have been interviewing David Benioff.
I had one funny question left, hoping to end on a high note, when on my 2nd to last question, I hear him turn (he had literally just arrived home from traveling, and his family was going crazy) to what I assume is a child and say “You’re what fell out? Your TOOTH fell out?! Oh, hold on…”
Almost Strike 3, but I manage to foul it off and get another shot.
“Ok, so I’ll let you go, I have just one last question. If you could be any kind of breakfast pastry, what kind of breakfast pastry would you chose to be?”
“Breakfast pastry?”
Here comes the pitch, it looks like another fastball, Jason has been missing those today…
“Yeah, any sort of breakfast pastry, and why?”
He stands stoic in the batter’s box, unflinching as what is likely strike 3 barrels in on him…
“Oh, I’d be a pain au chocolate, the French chocolate croissant (which I know because I took French, have been to France, and live with a chocoholic) because I had one of those guys everyday as I walked to school in Paris, and they’re the best in the world!”
And he hits it out of the park ladies and gentlemen!! Not only was the hit funny, but it was topical, and added information about the author once living in France! Heft him on your shoulders boys, he came through in the clutch.

Several college friends were emailed links to the story and laughed. You see, in Journalism 60, Dr. Nordstrom, in one of the first days of class, was talking about interviewing, and he said “ask me a question, anything, someone…” and my hand shot up. He pointed, likely expecting a stupid question from a beginning reporter. He got a stupid question, but a intentionally stupid question.
And the breakfast pastry question was born…

PUNishing WordPlay

What happens on a Friday when reporters are bored...
As background, I wrote about an attack by bees at a nearby school

Adam Martin: Dude, I hate you
Jason : I love you too
Adam Martin: I am soooooooooooo jealous
Jason : of what?
Adam Martin: bee attack?
Adam Martin: ARe you kidding me?
Jason : hahaha
Adam Martin: That's the best story ever
Jason : I know, I hear it has good buzz
Adam Martin: oh, no you didn't
Adam Martin: That one really stung
Jason : did I just bogart your overly-setup punchline?
Adam Martin: no prob, honey, I've got tons
Jason : bahdumpdump
Jason : you didnt happen to read our edition today did you? the smoking ordinance story?
Adam Martin: no
Jason : check out the lede
Jason : For almost six months, Belmont's efforts to curb secondhand smoke exposure in town have hung like a cloud over the city, sparking international discussion, claims of incendiary human rights violations and countless smoking puns.
Adam Martin: I've been in the car until just now
Adam Martin: oh, snap!
Adam Martin: Hat's off to you, sir
Adam Martin: You're really on fire
Jason : thank you, I was like "is this too tongue-in-cheek for us?"
Jason : but apparently not
Adam Martin: no, perfect. Smokin, even
Jason Goldman-Hall: I thought so
Adam Martin: Yeah, you lit that one up
Jason : stop stop, you're just blowing smoke up my ass now
Adam Martin: DAAAAANNNNNGGGG
Jason : its like word-geek ping-pong
Adam Martin: totally
Jason : part scrabble, part wizard's duel
Adam Martin: All guaranteed to never get you laid
Jason : funny too, because it just so happens my gf is on a roadtrip right now.. so you're kind of right
Adam Martin: ha!
Adam Martin: see?
Adam Martin: Some night you two were probably eating dessert and you were all, "that's the way the cookie crumbles," and she was like, "oh, guess what, I've got a road trip to go on right now."

Are you calling my squinty?

Of course, all this happens when I’m shopping alone (as opposed to shopping with the one-woman “she broke it, I bought it” wonder that is Cera).
I went to Safeway to get some milk, fruit, bread (and assorted other things straight off the 3rd grade grammar class shopping list) and as I shopped, I discovered that 12 packs of coke were on sale, for buy 2 get 2 free! So I bought 2 of both coke and diet coke. Fuck Coke Zero, I hear that stuff is made with mongoose hair and old jugs of windex (which yes, comes in jugs).
So as I went to check out, mind you, in the express line, 1 item over the 15 item express limit, there were to young Asian children in front of me, bumping 2 watermelons against one another on the rubber conveyor belt, throwing packets of gum at each other and generally carrying on like mongeese (its been a riki tiki tavi kinda night…).
The woman working the counter turned to me, and in a very disgusted tone – as I put my cereal up to pay for – “Excuse me sir, are these your children?”
I ended up saying “umm… no ma’am,” but this is what ran through my head, in no particular order.
1) Yes, did you like me in Se7en?
2) I was about to ask you the same thing, African-American woman.
3) Yes, would you like me to hit them?
4) No, pets…
5) Yes, they have their mother’s eyes
6) and hair
7) and general body shape
8) and ethnic background
9) and clothing style…

She later apologized for accusing me of being their parent (because they were rowdy, not – I don’t think – because they were asian) and sold me my goods, which I saved nearly $20 thanks to the red card of courage.

Be fooled...

I find it sad that no matter how many rocks I ever do or don't "got," I will never be (never be) Jason from the block...

I'll take Door # 2!

Around 3 yesterday, my coworker was running downstairs (or actually walking, I dont think she was hungry enough to justify running in her weird shoes) to get lunch, and I needed a soda, so I followed.
As I stepped out of the office, a few paces behind her, I saw her hopping on the elevator to head down to the lobby, so I called out "Hold the Door!"
Oddly enough, the kind Asian man walking into the single-person (as in "no stall," "one toilet," "if there are two people inside, one of them is seeing parts that ain't his") held the door to the bathroom for me, even giving me a "here you go sir!" look.
As I scooted past him, creeped out, I politely told him "Whoa, yeah, not THAT door," and hopped in the elevator infinitely more confused about bathroom etiquette than I had been just minutes earlier.
Part of me wonders if I should have just gone into the bathroom, I mean, he was holding the door for me...

All's well that ends Falwell

I'm seriously thinking of trying to put together an impromptu party for tonight just to celebrate.
Jerry Falwell has died. He died, his heart stopped, he stopped breathing, and his brain ceased to function (at least chemically, it can be argued that it never really did much in the first place)
And, like so many terrorists, I'd like to step forward and claim credit, as an atheist and a liberal.
The man blamed atheists, gays, liberals, lesbians, pro-choice voters and kitchen sinks for natural disasters, and although he was too busy choking on his own tongue to do it here, I think it's only natural to assume that he would have if he had any breath left in his fat-encrusted lungs, so I'll just do him a final favor and take credit for it.
Since we were able to anger "god" so much that he crashed planes into buildings and submerged New Orleans, we must have done something to lead to god wiping that fat bastard away like a tag nut.
So I encourage everyone to go out, have a drink, think about how good life is. Not because death puts it all into perspective for us, but because the world is legitimately a better place without him.

And not to belittle Scuttle the Seagul, but did you ever notice how much Jerry Falwell looked like Buddy Hackett?

Pop!

Wouldn't it be funny if instead of floating up into heaven like a helium balloon, the Rapture made heads explode?
How different with Revelations be if instead of "Oo.. there goes Mommy, wish I had been saved too!" it was "POP!! Holy crap, is that mommy's brain?"

Morning Music not all its Co-oped up to Be

Just thought I’d vent a little here. As soon as 104.9 returned to the Bay Area as English-language alt-rock, I dropped Live 105.3 down to #2 on my car’s dial, mainly because the lack of DJs and the better music selection on the Sunnyvale-based 104.9 trumps the crappy emocore and neo-new wave Live 105 is possessed with, not to mention the freedom from the Woody Tony and Ravey morning show inanity.

But today, in the middle of commercials on 104.9, I flipped over to the former Morning Music Co-Op (as far as I can tell, the only part not done by the crew these days is that Capt. Jack surf and ski report, and that’s a sponsored bit).

I heard Woody and Greg mocking Bay Area residents for being opposed to trucks and SUVs, and they said something along the lines of “Why do you buy trucks? Go buy Priuses!” And Greg laughed his baritone laugh.

Then, not 10 seconds later, they read more traffic reports involving SUVs and Woody asked “What the hell is up with all the SUVs?”

…

…

Now – and I’ve said this many times before – I have no problem with Greg G. being a Republican. He’s entitled to his opinions as I am entitled to mine. But I take issue when people are blindly or unintelligently commenting on something. If you’re going to rag on the anti-SUV crew, you should at least pause when you then read an article on how a lot of the accidents this morning dealt with them, rolling over, not stopping in time, etc.

What I don’t think Greg has noticed recently is that while – yes – the GOP and George W. do have many of the same ideologies, most of the major Republican politicians in the country, and intelligent Republican thinkers (John McCain for example) are not blind Bush supporters anymore.

Bush is not a bad Republican, or a good Republican. Bush is an overwhelmed, unintelligent man. He is not just anti-intellectual, he’s anti-intellect. He plays on emotions, he works on hunches and a false sense of justice. He is just simply not an intelligent man. If he were a Democrat, I’d dislike him just as much (and in fact, my hatred of Joseph Lieberman is a similar feeling) as I do currently.

So tying this back in to the lead paragraph.

I like Woody, I like Tony, and I like Ravey (I’ll forgive the Catholic thing). But what I can’t stand is this ongoing “That’s so not Bay Area,” thing.

As a person who believes that gays should be able to marry, and that war is not the answer, and that a trip to the supermarket on my bike is better than one in a car, I would fall into the category of “liberal.”

I think we should have socialized health care to take care of the people who can’t afford it. Sure, my benefits might suffer, and I might have to pay more, but honestly, I can afford to.

But do I think we should stand out all day with a sign and bash Bush?

No.

Do I think we should vilify soldiers?

No, unless of course they’re raping and killing women and children as has happened too many times in the past.

But should people not be held accountable for their actions?

Of course not.

Should people have to sack up once in awhile and break out of their comfort zones to do things they may be opposed to?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

I’m liberal, but not in the sense of “Do as every wants to do, encourage people to sue left and right.”

The morning show itself is – as they put it – “So Bay Area.”

They have a conservative guy sitting with a Catholic prude, a horny ex-frat boy and a moderate liberal/fiscal conservative serial monogamist who jokes around about “Got Wood,” and they sit around and talk about movies and music.

That’s the Bay Area for you guys.

Stop biting the hand of the people who go to your concerts. Stop slamming your listener base just for the sake of slamming your listener base. If you have such an issue with it that you need to vent about it constantly, do something about it. Get out and change things, or move, or accept it and move on.

And finally – and for the love of all that is holy – listen to 104.9 more, they play Spacehog.

A Giggle of Nanjas

Location: Grandma’s Kitchen, Monterey
Date: April 22
Time: Dinnertime

A group of 7 was sitting at a diner table, waiting for the rest of our…gang.

Waitress: Are you guys expecting a group?
Me: (I look around, seeing that I’m already in a group) “We have more coming, what constitutes a group?

Waitress: A few people or more.

Me: How many is a few? I think we have like, 5 more coming, I’d say that was more like a gaggle.

Waitress: That’s a group of geese.

Me: Yeah, geese, or NINJAS.

Waitress: Ninja’s don’t travel in groups, they hunt alone.

Me: That’s what your meant to think. Ninjas always ride single file to hide their numbers. They’re a lot like Sand People.

Waitress: Ok, so you guys have a few more coming?

Me: Hey. I’m just trying to help you out, you never know when you’ll be attacked by multiple ninjas and need to tell someone about it. Of course, you wont be able to, because they kill quickly and efficiently, but if you were able to get away, you could tell people accurately that it had been a gaggle.

eBagels

I was cleaning out old emails from my account today, and I found the transcript from a few years ago when I had to write to eBay to get them to turn my account back on because it had been hacked or something. It was very long and technical, and then...

Tylar: You're very welcome, and I was happy to assist you. Did you have any other questions before we close?

Jgoldmanhall: yeah, if you could be any kind of breakfast pastry, what kind would you be?

Tylar: Oh that's easy. A cinnamon bagel with cream cheese.

Jgoldmanhall: excellent!! thank you sir!

just a short one, thought it might make someone giggle.

San Mateo County Nosferatuan Abatement District

The things I put my editors through...

Brian Liou: i want the prewrite at 6:15 latest
Me: no prob
Me: it's not a controversial issue, has to do with blood-sucking creatures and the city's attempt to eradicate them
Brian Liou: yea love mosquitoes
Brian Liou: especially when i wake up with a fat lower lip
Me: mosquitoes? who's writing about mosquitoes? I'm writing about Vampires. Scary ones, that don't like people playing soccer on their fields...
Brian Liou: riiiiiight
Brian Liou: and i'm the only chinese dracula in the world
Me: hahaha, speaking of ethnic vampires, did you ever see Blackula?

Rumor Milk

This was a short one, but it made Cera run and hide...

Location: Campbell Safeway
Date: Jan. 19
Time: Late evening, before dinner time

We were walking through the beer/cheese/soda aisle (the Super Bowl party aisle if you will) and I Cera asked what I wanted for dinner, so I said "Something to make me poop," loud enough that the nice middle-aged man down the row from us looked up and smiled.
As we cleared the aisle and I approached the milk section, I turned to a short, round Safeway worker who was walking past us with a man who looked lost.
"Excuse me," I said, causing her to stop and put on her "Treat each customer like a three-legged puppy," smile.
"Yes?" She asked, I'm sure she regretted it later.
"I heard a rumor that milk makes you poop, is that true?"
She laughed as did the lost man with her.
"Umm... I don't know..."
"Cause I want to get some milk, but not if its going to make me poop." I was enjoying the word poop at this point.
"Well, I've never had that problem," she said as she turned to keep walking.
I looked up and Cera was already about 25 yards away down the wine aisle, walking briskly with her head down to deny knowledge of her boyfriend.