Are you calling my squinty?

Of course, all this happens when I’m shopping alone (as opposed to shopping with the one-woman “she broke it, I bought it” wonder that is Cera).
I went to Safeway to get some milk, fruit, bread (and assorted other things straight off the 3rd grade grammar class shopping list) and as I shopped, I discovered that 12 packs of coke were on sale, for buy 2 get 2 free! So I bought 2 of both coke and diet coke. Fuck Coke Zero, I hear that stuff is made with mongoose hair and old jugs of windex (which yes, comes in jugs).
So as I went to check out, mind you, in the express line, 1 item over the 15 item express limit, there were to young Asian children in front of me, bumping 2 watermelons against one another on the rubber conveyor belt, throwing packets of gum at each other and generally carrying on like mongeese (its been a riki tiki tavi kinda night…).
The woman working the counter turned to me, and in a very disgusted tone – as I put my cereal up to pay for – “Excuse me sir, are these your children?”
I ended up saying “umm… no ma’am,” but this is what ran through my head, in no particular order.
1) Yes, did you like me in Se7en?
2) I was about to ask you the same thing, African-American woman.
3) Yes, would you like me to hit them?
4) No, pets…
5) Yes, they have their mother’s eyes
6) and hair
7) and general body shape
8) and ethnic background
9) and clothing style…

She later apologized for accusing me of being their parent (because they were rowdy, not – I don’t think – because they were asian) and sold me my goods, which I saved nearly $20 thanks to the red card of courage.