What happens on a Friday when reporters are bored...
As background, I wrote about an attack by bees at a nearby school
Adam Martin: Dude, I hate you
Jason : I love you too
Adam Martin: I am soooooooooooo jealous
Jason : of what?
Adam Martin: bee attack?
Adam Martin: ARe you kidding me?
Jason : hahaha
Adam Martin: That's the best story ever
Jason : I know, I hear it has good buzz
Adam Martin: oh, no you didn't
Adam Martin: That one really stung
Jason : did I just bogart your overly-setup punchline?
Adam Martin: no prob, honey, I've got tons
Jason : bahdumpdump
Jason : you didnt happen to read our edition today did you? the smoking ordinance story?
Adam Martin: no
Jason : check out the lede
Jason : For almost six months, Belmont's efforts to curb secondhand smoke exposure in town have hung like a cloud over the city, sparking international discussion, claims of incendiary human rights violations and countless smoking puns.
Adam Martin: I've been in the car until just now
Adam Martin: oh, snap!
Adam Martin: Hat's off to you, sir
Adam Martin: You're really on fire
Jason : thank you, I was like "is this too tongue-in-cheek for us?"
Jason : but apparently not
Adam Martin: no, perfect. Smokin, even
Jason Goldman-Hall: I thought so
Adam Martin: Yeah, you lit that one up
Jason : stop stop, you're just blowing smoke up my ass now
Adam Martin: DAAAAANNNNNGGGG
Jason : its like word-geek ping-pong
Adam Martin: totally
Jason : part scrabble, part wizard's duel
Adam Martin: All guaranteed to never get you laid
Jason : funny too, because it just so happens my gf is on a roadtrip right now.. so you're kind of right
Adam Martin: ha!
Adam Martin: see?
Adam Martin: Some night you two were probably eating dessert and you were all, "that's the way the cookie crumbles," and she was like, "oh, guess what, I've got a road trip to go on right now."
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Are you calling my squinty?
Of course, all this happens when I’m shopping alone (as opposed to shopping with the one-woman “she broke it, I bought it” wonder that is Cera).
I went to Safeway to get some milk, fruit, bread (and assorted other things straight off the 3rd grade grammar class shopping list) and as I shopped, I discovered that 12 packs of coke were on sale, for buy 2 get 2 free! So I bought 2 of both coke and diet coke. Fuck Coke Zero, I hear that stuff is made with mongoose hair and old jugs of windex (which yes, comes in jugs).
So as I went to check out, mind you, in the express line, 1 item over the 15 item express limit, there were to young Asian children in front of me, bumping 2 watermelons against one another on the rubber conveyor belt, throwing packets of gum at each other and generally carrying on like mongeese (its been a riki tiki tavi kinda night…).
The woman working the counter turned to me, and in a very disgusted tone – as I put my cereal up to pay for – “Excuse me sir, are these your children?”
I ended up saying “umm… no ma’am,” but this is what ran through my head, in no particular order.
1) Yes, did you like me in Se7en?
2) I was about to ask you the same thing, African-American woman.
3) Yes, would you like me to hit them?
4) No, pets…
5) Yes, they have their mother’s eyes
6) and hair
7) and general body shape
8) and ethnic background
9) and clothing style…
She later apologized for accusing me of being their parent (because they were rowdy, not – I don’t think – because they were asian) and sold me my goods, which I saved nearly $20 thanks to the red card of courage.
I went to Safeway to get some milk, fruit, bread (and assorted other things straight off the 3rd grade grammar class shopping list) and as I shopped, I discovered that 12 packs of coke were on sale, for buy 2 get 2 free! So I bought 2 of both coke and diet coke. Fuck Coke Zero, I hear that stuff is made with mongoose hair and old jugs of windex (which yes, comes in jugs).
So as I went to check out, mind you, in the express line, 1 item over the 15 item express limit, there were to young Asian children in front of me, bumping 2 watermelons against one another on the rubber conveyor belt, throwing packets of gum at each other and generally carrying on like mongeese (its been a riki tiki tavi kinda night…).
The woman working the counter turned to me, and in a very disgusted tone – as I put my cereal up to pay for – “Excuse me sir, are these your children?”
I ended up saying “umm… no ma’am,” but this is what ran through my head, in no particular order.
1) Yes, did you like me in Se7en?
2) I was about to ask you the same thing, African-American woman.
3) Yes, would you like me to hit them?
4) No, pets…
5) Yes, they have their mother’s eyes
6) and hair
7) and general body shape
8) and ethnic background
9) and clothing style…
She later apologized for accusing me of being their parent (because they were rowdy, not – I don’t think – because they were asian) and sold me my goods, which I saved nearly $20 thanks to the red card of courage.
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