It has come to my attention that on top of sentences like "Sit down, don't worry, all will be explained," that I utter far too often in the course of teaching 5 high school English classes daily (which made me realize that I haven't updated this blog in almost as long as it's been since I left journalism, dang), there are a number of things I've had to say or hear in 8 weeks that still, to this day, baffle me. And I don't consider myself one who baffles easily. So I think it's time to start posting these things for public consumption.
Without further ado...(all names changed to protect the guilty)
"Jimmy, will you please stop chewing on your backpack..."
said to a sophomore who decided - because I don't allow his period to eat or drink anymore - that he would instead munch Jansport
"Mr. GH, Joe and I aren't gay...."
said in response to the question "Are you guys going to work, or do I have to split you up?"
My response was "I really don't care who you're intimate with, as long as you're not doing it in the middle of my class while I'm trying to teach."
But by far the most disturbing trend is what I call BETMI, for Bathroom Excuse, Too Much Information. For whatever reason, students feel that unless they tell me specifically what hurts, or what they had to eat, or what it's going to look like, I won't let them go to the restroom.
"Mr. G, can I go to the bathroom?"
"Yes, go quick,"
"Thank you, I really have to go, I've had to pee since 3rd period and I think I might have just..."
"Seriously Jane, I said you could go, I could get fired just for hearing this! Just go!"
"Mr. GH, when Carl gets back from the bathroom, can I go next?"
"Yes, just wait for him to sit down,"
"I've had really runny poops all day and I've had to get up and go each period, I think I might be sick."
"Nancy, really, why did you think anyone us needed to hear that?"
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Debate Rages...
So some Mormon friends of mine started a Facebook event to rally support to vote against gay marriage (or for the ban), and they decided to do it the week I learned one of my long-time friends and coworkers is dying of cancer, so I've decided to take my anger out on one of them in a series of debates through facebook messaging.
I started when I RSVPd to the event and said :
I won't be attending, I'll either be going to the "Save the Whales - Shoot a Dolphin" or "Save the Earth - Blow up a Turtle" event that night.
Get it?
Because shooting a dolphin won't "save" whales, and I'm pretty sure blowing up a turtle won't "save" the Earth, just as discriminating against people who genuinely want to get married, and who have demonstrated long-term commitment and parenting skills in spite of continued discrimination won't "save" California marriages, because the only people threatening California marriages are people who have been able to get married for years - i.e. heterosexuals.
He took the comment down, so I wrote
Haha, remember when "traditional marriage" meant people of mixed races couldn't marry? Are you guys going to rally to bring that back next?
Then he emailed me.
If you don't agree with our stand on this issue, that is fine. However, you don't need to be deragatory towards us. Democracy simply states that we can have a voice. It does not state what kind of voice we need to have. I applaud your personal feelings towards this. However, I ask you go somewhere else to voice them. This group is to allow people who are voting a certain way find others doing the same. It is not for you to get on a soapbox and state whatever you want.
So I responded:
With all due respect, just because my friends are being bigots doesn't make bigotry ok. You're supporting an effort to eliminate the right that consenting adults, taxpayers, Americans, Christians, good people, have, to take part in an institution of of love, respect and community responsibility.
I've celebrated the weddings of a number of our mutual friends, and not celebrated because one happened to have a penis and one happened to have a vagina. I celebrated because they were in love, and now, people want to say that THEY can decide who gets married, that YOU can tell someone that their love isn't as valid as the love you can take part in.
You're right, democracy has a voice, but there were states in this country who wanted to outlaw blacks from marrying whites. In 1967 the courts had to step in and stop states from banning marriages between races, because it was a human rights violation, and that's what we're looking at again. Except, now, instead of "evil southerners" and "evil slaveowners" as the "bad guys" its people who I have sent wedding presents to, people that I've said "congratulations on your wedding," to.
If LDS is opposed to gay marriage, fine, don't let gay Mormons get married in your church. If it's against the book of Leviticus for gays to marry, fine, don't let them get married in churches, but, while you're at it, better start exiling menstruating women and, if you can, find me a rabbit who chews cud, because both of THOSE are also in that section of the Bible.
But since marriage - as soon as it started having tax impacts and legal ramifications - became a state institution, it should, and must, be kept separate from any church. And because of this, I'm going to exercise my voice in any way I see fit, because bad things happen when good people do and say nothing.
So no offense, but I believe in equality for all people, and you don't, and this country is supposed to be based on equality, liberty and justice for all.
As Burke said, and has been paraphrased and re-quoted time and again, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
So he responded, and then wrote back, my comments in blue.
1. Marriage has always had limits on it. It is not legal to marry your sibling, parent, or cousin. Nor is it legal to marry a child. I am sure there are some "consenting adults, taxpayers, Americans, Christians, good people" who would like to change these rules. However, society decides what is moral and what is not. I believe that California did that in March of 2000. 4,618,673 Californians said that gay marriage was not a moral aspect of marriage they wished to accept. I assume you feel each of them was a "bigot". The California decided to overturn the vote of the people. I feel this is a major reason to vote for Proposition 8 to show the courts they cannot override the voice of the people. I do not believe in legislating from the bench, and will be voting to show that.
The fact that you, and so many other people, still list loving a person who happens to have the same genitals as you as a deviance up there with incest and pedophilia, in 2008, is astounding, especially considering that in your book of Genesis, Lot, the very man who railed against the sexual deviance of Sodom, lays with his daughters to "preserve his seed" (Gen 19:early 30ish) . I do feel - in fact - that everyone who voted against it was a bigot. Because - as I said - there as a time when the will of the people wanted to ban interracial marriage, and, I'm hope you'd agree, that the will of the people was in fact wrong at that point. It was also once the belief of the majority that the world was flat, and that germs didn't exist, and both times, a vocal minority proved them wrong.
2. I am not in anyway saying their love is invalid, or they should not have equal breaks in taxes, inheritance, etc. I am simply saying they should not be given the privledge of marriage.
If it's a privilege, show me how you and I have earned that, other than the fact that - and it has to be put bluntly - that we prefer people without penises. It's not that marriage has to produce children, because then barren couples would not be allowed to marry. It can't be because children need a mother and a father to survive, because plenty of parents have died and their children have been fine.
3. I do not feel that groups wanting to change the insitute of marriage will stop at this. They will want to fight against institutes such as churches who refuse to perform same-sex marriages. They will cry out injustice, and who knows what courts will do. They ignored the voice of the people. I want to protect against courts having any right to infringe of the rights of churches and the seperation of churches and state. If you feel this is not going to happen, read about what the U.S. Congress and Supreme Court did to my church in regards to plural marriage.
The courts aren't infringing on church rights, because one doesnt need a church to marry. Holy Matrimony and marriage are not the same thing. One is granted by a church, one by a state. Marriage is a state institution, holy matrimony a church institution. Again, if LDS has a problem with it, fine, dont perform them, and if you guys want to fight against the courts, I'll stand with you, because you're right, if a church doesnt want to, they dont have to. BUT, marriage is not the sole property of the church, and therefore, what you may hold true in your church can not be forced on the rest of the population who does not see it your way, especially because - again - your church and many others are simply violating human rights.
4. Most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a different opinion on marriage than most other Christians. We believe that marriage has been, is, and forever will be an institute created by God. You believe that marriage is part of the state. I do not. I believe the state came in and started legislating marriage. However, religion never gave up their original claim to marriage.
Interestingly enough, the institution of marriage has been regulated (by civic law incidentally) for over 5,000 years, with laws from ancient Sumeria related to it. Last time I checked, your church is - from what I know - 178 years old, Christianity about 2,000 years, Judaism maybe what, 3-4,000 years old? So show me where you guys invented it?
I've respected Mormons for much of my life. I've defended you against Christians who claim that you guys aren't followers of Christ, I've proudly said how many of my friends are members of LDS. But I'm sorry, I cannot abide by human rights violations, because we don't live in a single-religion or lifestyle world. What goes for your church doesnt go for anothers, what goes for any church doesnt go for me, and as such, we cannot create an institution that outlaws something simply on the basis of people misreading a 2000+ year old collection of myths that has been re-edited and re-written over the ages to fit the needs of the powerful. If the state recognized it, the people who want a marriage outside a church can have one, and if churches want to still deny the right to marry in their church, fine, I'm ok with that, because it's your church, its your mythology, its your belief system. But for the people out there who don't believe as you do, and don't see the world as you do, and aren't doing something to hurt one another, or the world as a whole (come on, they want to get married, to love each other, to be recognized for that love, to have something their parents had, and their grandparents had, and their friends have)
5. You cannot make a judgement in regards to my personal beliefs in regards to my patrotism. That is not your position or right to make any judgement in that regard.
Believing in equality isn't patriotism, its right, its fair, and it benefits our entire world. Frankly, patriotism is as valuable to me as religion.
5. I believe I am doing what Burke stated. I believe I am standing up for an instution that God created and has been changed over the years into something that is a right. I believe entering a covenant of marriage is a privledge that God has given us. So, I am standing up in contradiction to what I see as an evil. You disagree, and I respect that.
Again, you guys didnt invent it, so you can no more claim control over it than I can claim control over the Lego empire, although we'd both like to.
I believe we live in a world of countless religions and beliefs, and our country specifically is supposed to be one of freedom of belief. So I propose the state - a non religious entity - allow it, because people like me, and my cousin and her wife, don't need a church to get married, nor do we want one. And we'll let the churches do what they want with the rest. If you guys dont want to grant marriages to gays, go for it. You'll still be bigots, but at least you're just bigots in your own temples. If the jews down the street don't want it, fine, just as long as they do it on their own. If the Muslims want to do it, great, have fun. But because we live in a world of varied beliefs, our state must see to it that the diverse opinions are regulated and allowed so as not to deny the rights of fair, tax-paying, consenting citizens, and this effort to protect "traditional marriages" will do just that, remove rights.
I dont want gays to be able to have mormon weddings, I dont want them to be able to have Catholic ceremonies, I want my cousin and her wife to be able to say "we're married" and have no one deny it.
So he wrote:
Jason,
I respect your opinions. I am sorry you do not respect mine. If you makes you feel better, I will be accept your opinion of me that I, along with millions of others are bigots. But just know what just because some believes different from you makes them wrong.
Chakaar (name changed to protect the guilty)
so I wrote:
Chakaar,
Believing differently is not wrong, denying human rights is. It's a simple issue. These are not pedophiles, these are not incestuous criminals, these are not sexual deviants, these are men and women who pay their taxes, take part in their communities, go to their churches, go to their schools, love their parents, their children and their friends, and want to be allowed to love as fully as you and I can.
Jason
I started when I RSVPd to the event and said :
I won't be attending, I'll either be going to the "Save the Whales - Shoot a Dolphin" or "Save the Earth - Blow up a Turtle" event that night.
Get it?
Because shooting a dolphin won't "save" whales, and I'm pretty sure blowing up a turtle won't "save" the Earth, just as discriminating against people who genuinely want to get married, and who have demonstrated long-term commitment and parenting skills in spite of continued discrimination won't "save" California marriages, because the only people threatening California marriages are people who have been able to get married for years - i.e. heterosexuals.
He took the comment down, so I wrote
Haha, remember when "traditional marriage" meant people of mixed races couldn't marry? Are you guys going to rally to bring that back next?
Then he emailed me.
If you don't agree with our stand on this issue, that is fine. However, you don't need to be deragatory towards us. Democracy simply states that we can have a voice. It does not state what kind of voice we need to have. I applaud your personal feelings towards this. However, I ask you go somewhere else to voice them. This group is to allow people who are voting a certain way find others doing the same. It is not for you to get on a soapbox and state whatever you want.
So I responded:
With all due respect, just because my friends are being bigots doesn't make bigotry ok. You're supporting an effort to eliminate the right that consenting adults, taxpayers, Americans, Christians, good people, have, to take part in an institution of of love, respect and community responsibility.
I've celebrated the weddings of a number of our mutual friends, and not celebrated because one happened to have a penis and one happened to have a vagina. I celebrated because they were in love, and now, people want to say that THEY can decide who gets married, that YOU can tell someone that their love isn't as valid as the love you can take part in.
You're right, democracy has a voice, but there were states in this country who wanted to outlaw blacks from marrying whites. In 1967 the courts had to step in and stop states from banning marriages between races, because it was a human rights violation, and that's what we're looking at again. Except, now, instead of "evil southerners" and "evil slaveowners" as the "bad guys" its people who I have sent wedding presents to, people that I've said "congratulations on your wedding," to.
If LDS is opposed to gay marriage, fine, don't let gay Mormons get married in your church. If it's against the book of Leviticus for gays to marry, fine, don't let them get married in churches, but, while you're at it, better start exiling menstruating women and, if you can, find me a rabbit who chews cud, because both of THOSE are also in that section of the Bible.
But since marriage - as soon as it started having tax impacts and legal ramifications - became a state institution, it should, and must, be kept separate from any church. And because of this, I'm going to exercise my voice in any way I see fit, because bad things happen when good people do and say nothing.
So no offense, but I believe in equality for all people, and you don't, and this country is supposed to be based on equality, liberty and justice for all.
As Burke said, and has been paraphrased and re-quoted time and again, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
So he responded, and then wrote back, my comments in blue.
1. Marriage has always had limits on it. It is not legal to marry your sibling, parent, or cousin. Nor is it legal to marry a child. I am sure there are some "consenting adults, taxpayers, Americans, Christians, good people" who would like to change these rules. However, society decides what is moral and what is not. I believe that California did that in March of 2000. 4,618,673 Californians said that gay marriage was not a moral aspect of marriage they wished to accept. I assume you feel each of them was a "bigot". The California decided to overturn the vote of the people. I feel this is a major reason to vote for Proposition 8 to show the courts they cannot override the voice of the people. I do not believe in legislating from the bench, and will be voting to show that.
The fact that you, and so many other people, still list loving a person who happens to have the same genitals as you as a deviance up there with incest and pedophilia, in 2008, is astounding, especially considering that in your book of Genesis, Lot, the very man who railed against the sexual deviance of Sodom, lays with his daughters to "preserve his seed" (Gen 19:early 30ish) . I do feel - in fact - that everyone who voted against it was a bigot. Because - as I said - there as a time when the will of the people wanted to ban interracial marriage, and, I'm hope you'd agree, that the will of the people was in fact wrong at that point. It was also once the belief of the majority that the world was flat, and that germs didn't exist, and both times, a vocal minority proved them wrong.
2. I am not in anyway saying their love is invalid, or they should not have equal breaks in taxes, inheritance, etc. I am simply saying they should not be given the privledge of marriage.
If it's a privilege, show me how you and I have earned that, other than the fact that - and it has to be put bluntly - that we prefer people without penises. It's not that marriage has to produce children, because then barren couples would not be allowed to marry. It can't be because children need a mother and a father to survive, because plenty of parents have died and their children have been fine.
3. I do not feel that groups wanting to change the insitute of marriage will stop at this. They will want to fight against institutes such as churches who refuse to perform same-sex marriages. They will cry out injustice, and who knows what courts will do. They ignored the voice of the people. I want to protect against courts having any right to infringe of the rights of churches and the seperation of churches and state. If you feel this is not going to happen, read about what the U.S. Congress and Supreme Court did to my church in regards to plural marriage.
The courts aren't infringing on church rights, because one doesnt need a church to marry. Holy Matrimony and marriage are not the same thing. One is granted by a church, one by a state. Marriage is a state institution, holy matrimony a church institution. Again, if LDS has a problem with it, fine, dont perform them, and if you guys want to fight against the courts, I'll stand with you, because you're right, if a church doesnt want to, they dont have to. BUT, marriage is not the sole property of the church, and therefore, what you may hold true in your church can not be forced on the rest of the population who does not see it your way, especially because - again - your church and many others are simply violating human rights.
4. Most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a different opinion on marriage than most other Christians. We believe that marriage has been, is, and forever will be an institute created by God. You believe that marriage is part of the state. I do not. I believe the state came in and started legislating marriage. However, religion never gave up their original claim to marriage.
Interestingly enough, the institution of marriage has been regulated (by civic law incidentally) for over 5,000 years, with laws from ancient Sumeria related to it. Last time I checked, your church is - from what I know - 178 years old, Christianity about 2,000 years, Judaism maybe what, 3-4,000 years old? So show me where you guys invented it?
I've respected Mormons for much of my life. I've defended you against Christians who claim that you guys aren't followers of Christ, I've proudly said how many of my friends are members of LDS. But I'm sorry, I cannot abide by human rights violations, because we don't live in a single-religion or lifestyle world. What goes for your church doesnt go for anothers, what goes for any church doesnt go for me, and as such, we cannot create an institution that outlaws something simply on the basis of people misreading a 2000+ year old collection of myths that has been re-edited and re-written over the ages to fit the needs of the powerful. If the state recognized it, the people who want a marriage outside a church can have one, and if churches want to still deny the right to marry in their church, fine, I'm ok with that, because it's your church, its your mythology, its your belief system. But for the people out there who don't believe as you do, and don't see the world as you do, and aren't doing something to hurt one another, or the world as a whole (come on, they want to get married, to love each other, to be recognized for that love, to have something their parents had, and their grandparents had, and their friends have)
5. You cannot make a judgement in regards to my personal beliefs in regards to my patrotism. That is not your position or right to make any judgement in that regard.
Believing in equality isn't patriotism, its right, its fair, and it benefits our entire world. Frankly, patriotism is as valuable to me as religion.
5. I believe I am doing what Burke stated. I believe I am standing up for an instution that God created and has been changed over the years into something that is a right. I believe entering a covenant of marriage is a privledge that God has given us. So, I am standing up in contradiction to what I see as an evil. You disagree, and I respect that.
Again, you guys didnt invent it, so you can no more claim control over it than I can claim control over the Lego empire, although we'd both like to.
I believe we live in a world of countless religions and beliefs, and our country specifically is supposed to be one of freedom of belief. So I propose the state - a non religious entity - allow it, because people like me, and my cousin and her wife, don't need a church to get married, nor do we want one. And we'll let the churches do what they want with the rest. If you guys dont want to grant marriages to gays, go for it. You'll still be bigots, but at least you're just bigots in your own temples. If the jews down the street don't want it, fine, just as long as they do it on their own. If the Muslims want to do it, great, have fun. But because we live in a world of varied beliefs, our state must see to it that the diverse opinions are regulated and allowed so as not to deny the rights of fair, tax-paying, consenting citizens, and this effort to protect "traditional marriages" will do just that, remove rights.
I dont want gays to be able to have mormon weddings, I dont want them to be able to have Catholic ceremonies, I want my cousin and her wife to be able to say "we're married" and have no one deny it.
So he wrote:
Jason,
I respect your opinions. I am sorry you do not respect mine. If you makes you feel better, I will be accept your opinion of me that I, along with millions of others are bigots. But just know what just because some believes different from you makes them wrong.
Chakaar (name changed to protect the guilty)
so I wrote:
Chakaar,
Believing differently is not wrong, denying human rights is. It's a simple issue. These are not pedophiles, these are not incestuous criminals, these are not sexual deviants, these are men and women who pay their taxes, take part in their communities, go to their churches, go to their schools, love their parents, their children and their friends, and want to be allowed to love as fully as you and I can.
Jason
Monday, June 2, 2008
Miscegeny 2.0
To those who plan to vote against gay marriage, I want to offer a few points.
1) “My bible/religion says its bad, and I follow that” is not good enough because the bible also says: (a) Rabbits chew cud (Lev 11:6) (b) Some flying creatures walk on four legs (Lev 10:20-21) (c) Menstruating women and everything they touch are unclean. The only cure for this uncleanness was for the priest to kill a couple of pigeons. (Lev 15:19-30) – And none of these blatant fucking inaccuracies result in widespread discrimination, the denial of rights, and the creation of a tiered social structure in which people are placed lower simply because of who they love.
2) You can’t use the “marriage was originally for the production of children” argument, because (a) then you’d have to deny marriage to barren and infertile people, and (b) Lesbian couples could have TWICE the children, making them – in fact – SUPER-marriages.
3) You can’t say it’s because children need a mother and a father, because (a) plenty of men and women have successfully raised children alone and (b) plenty of homosexual couples – regardless of legal status – have successfully raised children.
4) You can’t say it’s because “that’s the way marriage has always been,” because once marriage was forbidden between blacks and whites, and we solved THAT little civil rights issue.
5) You can’t say it’s because it would lead to incest and bestiality – something a lot of people seem to think – because (a) homosexuality is not “deviant” and (b) it’s a fucking retarded argument.
So go ahead and vote to discriminate against people simple because of who they love. But KNOW that even if I’m wrong, and there is a god, if he’s HALF as loving as you claim to believe he is, then you have to know, deep in your heart, that allowing people to enter into a spiritual, legal, familial bond, equal to all others who have ever done it, and bringing with it legal, financial and supportive responsibilities, benefits our entire society.
If you still want to vote against them.
1) %&@# you
2) And the horse you rode in on.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Give him an inch, he'll take a foot...
Ahh…Poisson D’Avril
So as background, just over a week ago, my wonderful cousin Robin walked to Valley Faire with Cera and I from our house, which would have been nice, except she’s a New Yorker, and turned a leisurely afternoon stroll into a powerwalk.
In sandals.
So my left foot has been sore since then.
Diving this past weekend didn’t help it one bit.
Which brings me to today.
Sitting in Shakespeare in Performance class, talking with my classmates, I realized that it was April 1, and realized that – since I had forgotten – it was a pretty damn good chance Cera had too.
So instead of telling her I had “a surprise” for her and then picking up a bag of dog food on the way home – as I had originally intended – I decided that I was going to tell her I had broken my foot.
Why my foot?
Well, I had been bitching like a little girl already about it, so the seed was planted, and what’s more random than that? I could have faked the pregnancy, or pretended her car had been towed, or pretended her aunt had died, but those have all been done before.
So by coincidence, I ran into Cera on campus just before noon, and – realizing that she didn’t see me walk up to her – I told her that I had hobbled, and that – after stepping on a stair wrong – I think my foot was really broken, and that I would be hobbling or hopping to the health center to get it X-Rayed.
--NOTE: not even sure if they do that, but I do have the insurance, so if they do, I could have—
So I hobbled off, or at least until I could see that she wasn’t looking, then I walked normally.
When I picked her up, I told her I had good news and bad news and bad news, the bad news and bad news being that I had broken my foot (in “the bone above my arch”) and that, unfortunately, due to a problem with medical records, they wouldn’t be able to cast it.
I even told her that the doctor at the health center (not even sure if there are actual doctors there) told me that usually broken bones like this are followed by low-level nausea, which I had also been complaining about for several days. Score one for outside info points!
Unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to my Horse AIDS-expert friend Susan, sometimes they don’t put a cast on immediately, to let swelling subside.
So Cera – easily the most loving, caring woman in the world – went into motherly mode, and helped me limp/hop/hobble into the house, helped me take off my shoe – complete with mock pain when she obeyed by whimper to “just yank the shoe off, quick, go go AHHH!!!”
She got me my homework, she rolled up a towel to elevate my foot and made me dinner. She even felt really bad when she bumped my foot as she walked by, all the while letting me watch Terminator III: Rise of the Machines, something she’d never let me do otherwise.
I even had her help me skipopble back to my car to go to school, and then had Susan text message her offering crutches, but she never checked her phone.
I sat through class, headed home (to the sounds of the Sharks winning) and wrote “April Fools !!” on my foot in black Sharpie before hopibblipping back into the house and into our bedroom, with Cera offering to pamper me more.
I told her to come see “something gross” and look at my foot, and when she did, with a look of care in her eye, she read the message.
She ended up beating me with a pillow in retaliation, and I have to take her to dinner this week, but she admits it was AWESOME.
So as background, just over a week ago, my wonderful cousin Robin walked to Valley Faire with Cera and I from our house, which would have been nice, except she’s a New Yorker, and turned a leisurely afternoon stroll into a powerwalk.
In sandals.
So my left foot has been sore since then.
Diving this past weekend didn’t help it one bit.
Which brings me to today.
Sitting in Shakespeare in Performance class, talking with my classmates, I realized that it was April 1, and realized that – since I had forgotten – it was a pretty damn good chance Cera had too.
So instead of telling her I had “a surprise” for her and then picking up a bag of dog food on the way home – as I had originally intended – I decided that I was going to tell her I had broken my foot.
Why my foot?
Well, I had been bitching like a little girl already about it, so the seed was planted, and what’s more random than that? I could have faked the pregnancy, or pretended her car had been towed, or pretended her aunt had died, but those have all been done before.
So by coincidence, I ran into Cera on campus just before noon, and – realizing that she didn’t see me walk up to her – I told her that I had hobbled, and that – after stepping on a stair wrong – I think my foot was really broken, and that I would be hobbling or hopping to the health center to get it X-Rayed.
--NOTE: not even sure if they do that, but I do have the insurance, so if they do, I could have—
So I hobbled off, or at least until I could see that she wasn’t looking, then I walked normally.
When I picked her up, I told her I had good news and bad news and bad news, the bad news and bad news being that I had broken my foot (in “the bone above my arch”) and that, unfortunately, due to a problem with medical records, they wouldn’t be able to cast it.
I even told her that the doctor at the health center (not even sure if there are actual doctors there) told me that usually broken bones like this are followed by low-level nausea, which I had also been complaining about for several days. Score one for outside info points!
Unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to my Horse AIDS-expert friend Susan, sometimes they don’t put a cast on immediately, to let swelling subside.
So Cera – easily the most loving, caring woman in the world – went into motherly mode, and helped me limp/hop/hobble into the house, helped me take off my shoe – complete with mock pain when she obeyed by whimper to “just yank the shoe off, quick, go go AHHH!!!”
She got me my homework, she rolled up a towel to elevate my foot and made me dinner. She even felt really bad when she bumped my foot as she walked by, all the while letting me watch Terminator III: Rise of the Machines, something she’d never let me do otherwise.
I even had her help me skipopble back to my car to go to school, and then had Susan text message her offering crutches, but she never checked her phone.
I sat through class, headed home (to the sounds of the Sharks winning) and wrote “April Fools !!” on my foot in black Sharpie before hopibblipping back into the house and into our bedroom, with Cera offering to pamper me more.
I told her to come see “something gross” and look at my foot, and when she did, with a look of care in her eye, she read the message.
She ended up beating me with a pillow in retaliation, and I have to take her to dinner this week, but she admits it was AWESOME.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
THIS...IS....SPARTA(n territory)!!!
Well, seeing as how I’m no longer writing everyday for work, I’ve found myself wanting to write for fun again (at least for my enjoyment, if not for the enjoyment of others) so I’m hopefully going to start writing more.
That being said, I’m 4 days into my second round of college education, and while I could go on and on about people I’ve seen and met, I’ll reduce it to a collection of thoughts, which is pretty much how my days go by as I walk around campus.
Short booty shorts in the middle of winter…check.
Knee-high striped athletic socks to match the booty shorts…check
…under a pair of bring pink Crocs…give my fucking checks back
Unlike the mall, where I’m constantly assaulted with metrosexuals who want to spray me with something from a tube meant to make me more attractive, I’m somehow able to walk through the quad completely unharassed by the multitude of frats out trawling.
What, sure my hair is thinning a bit, but don’t I look like the kind of guy just aching to be saddled with some homoerotic nickname like “Hot Rod” or “Rocket” and power-slam blackberry brandy until my eyes explode?
On the topic of frats, one of them has a midget as their main spokesman, he’s out in the quad passing out buttons and inviting people to BBQs. No lie, I almost walked into the little bastard as I looked up to get raindrops on my tongue yesterday. He needs one of those little flags I had on my bike as a kid so people in trucks could see me as I rode past their driveway.
Listen you pompous fuck, I don’t care that you think your Liberal Arts/Art double major is the shit’s tits, you don’t need to “reveal” to us the secret that most mainstream literature is dumbed down for the masses, you don’t need to ask all of us to re-spell the email address we put on the sheet because you can’t tell the difference between a 1 (written just like that, with the little hat and the base) and an L, although no one in their right fucking mind writes their lowercase l in the same way my computer just did. When you get out of this class and school (and – for fucks sake – shave that stupid beard you’re attempting to grow, you look like a near-sighted scrotum).
There’s a “Listening Corner,” in the Student Union, where a kind old lady sits just about all day, and from what I can tell, she’s just there to listen to students. I think I may have to start sitting down and (a) making up problems or (b) telling very long, very drawn out jokes.
Speaking of jokes, today in my Shakespeare and Performance class, I read Sonnet #19 in what was supposed to be an Australian accent in honor of Heath Ledger (and his Shakespearean body of work – 10 Things I Hate About You) but ended up sounded very snooty and very English, bugger…
To the overly-PC Ethnicity in American Literature class: First of all, saying “American by immigration” is not a point of pride or a sensitive statement, it’s a fucking redundancy. On a long enough timeline, we’re ALL Americans by immigration, even the “Native” Americans who came to this continent from what is now Asia. And although I agree that if I see a black guy, I can’t assume he was born and raised in Africa, only brought over a week ago, but I can damn-well assume that SOMEWHERE in his lineage, SOMEONE was from Africa, because people with dark skin and those features originated there. Just as I can assume that someone who looks Asian (unless they’re Bjork) is from SOMEWHERE in Asia. That’s not a value judgment, its not a statement of “they should just be that thing, or just identify that way,” it’s a statement of genetic fact.
That being said, I’m 4 days into my second round of college education, and while I could go on and on about people I’ve seen and met, I’ll reduce it to a collection of thoughts, which is pretty much how my days go by as I walk around campus.
Short booty shorts in the middle of winter…check.
Knee-high striped athletic socks to match the booty shorts…check
…under a pair of bring pink Crocs…give my fucking checks back
Unlike the mall, where I’m constantly assaulted with metrosexuals who want to spray me with something from a tube meant to make me more attractive, I’m somehow able to walk through the quad completely unharassed by the multitude of frats out trawling.
What, sure my hair is thinning a bit, but don’t I look like the kind of guy just aching to be saddled with some homoerotic nickname like “Hot Rod” or “Rocket” and power-slam blackberry brandy until my eyes explode?
On the topic of frats, one of them has a midget as their main spokesman, he’s out in the quad passing out buttons and inviting people to BBQs. No lie, I almost walked into the little bastard as I looked up to get raindrops on my tongue yesterday. He needs one of those little flags I had on my bike as a kid so people in trucks could see me as I rode past their driveway.
Listen you pompous fuck, I don’t care that you think your Liberal Arts/Art double major is the shit’s tits, you don’t need to “reveal” to us the secret that most mainstream literature is dumbed down for the masses, you don’t need to ask all of us to re-spell the email address we put on the sheet because you can’t tell the difference between a 1 (written just like that, with the little hat and the base) and an L, although no one in their right fucking mind writes their lowercase l in the same way my computer just did. When you get out of this class and school (and – for fucks sake – shave that stupid beard you’re attempting to grow, you look like a near-sighted scrotum).
There’s a “Listening Corner,” in the Student Union, where a kind old lady sits just about all day, and from what I can tell, she’s just there to listen to students. I think I may have to start sitting down and (a) making up problems or (b) telling very long, very drawn out jokes.
Speaking of jokes, today in my Shakespeare and Performance class, I read Sonnet #19 in what was supposed to be an Australian accent in honor of Heath Ledger (and his Shakespearean body of work – 10 Things I Hate About You) but ended up sounded very snooty and very English, bugger…
To the overly-PC Ethnicity in American Literature class: First of all, saying “American by immigration” is not a point of pride or a sensitive statement, it’s a fucking redundancy. On a long enough timeline, we’re ALL Americans by immigration, even the “Native” Americans who came to this continent from what is now Asia. And although I agree that if I see a black guy, I can’t assume he was born and raised in Africa, only brought over a week ago, but I can damn-well assume that SOMEWHERE in his lineage, SOMEONE was from Africa, because people with dark skin and those features originated there. Just as I can assume that someone who looks Asian (unless they’re Bjork) is from SOMEWHERE in Asia. That’s not a value judgment, its not a statement of “they should just be that thing, or just identify that way,” it’s a statement of genetic fact.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Does chocolate feel pain?
Hot damn it’s been a long time since I wrote on this thing. Not that I haven’t been out pestering strangers, I just haven’t been writing about it.
Two weeks ago, I was asked by my editor to interview Khaled Hosseini, the Afghanistan-born author of The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hosseini gained prominence for being the first best-selling Afghan writer in the Western world, having put his book out during a time when most Americans thought Afghan meant either “footrest” or “crazy terrorist.”
Both books are sold in Starbucks, and Kite Runner is now a movie that spawned outrage in Afghanistan over the sodomizing of a young boy in one portion of the movie.
So I had to interview the guy for the Examiner’s 3-Minute Interview, a section that takes 30 minutes to interview for, 20 minutes to right and about 30 seconds to read. And we call it the 3-Minute Interview.
I had to keep them generic because I haven’t read the book, despite the fact that the Hosseini and I are both Independence High School graduates. So I led with…
“I read in news reports that you recently invited current Independence students to a screening of Kite Runner, what was it like being able to do that for your old school?”
“I did what?”
“I read that you had given a screening of Kite Runner to IHS students?”
“Not that I know of…”
“Oh, nevermind then…”
Strike one
Also, interesting note, my computer kept changing IHS to HIS (see, tried to do it there again), as if I were writing about Jesus. Screw him, his birthday was yesterday, today he’s just another schmuck on a stick.
I followed with some (safer) questions about working with screenwriters, seeing your product on the big screen, blah blah blah.
Then I asked my first funny question.
“The screenwriter who wrote Kite Runner, David Benioff, also wrote Troy and is working on the Wolverine spin-off, were you ever intimidated that your story didn’t involve warriors in leather?”
“Was I intimidated or was David?”
“No, like, did you ever want to add a super-warrior in leather to your story to match the others?”
“No, he didn’t say I needed to really add anything…”
“No, its like, a joke, you know, cause he writes such varied things?”
“Oh, I guess I don’t get it…”
Strike 2
We kept talking for a bit, and for some reason, I kept coming back to David Benioff. And – come to think of it – I’ve read 25th Hour, seen it, seen Troy, plan to see Wolverine. I should have been interviewing David Benioff.
I had one funny question left, hoping to end on a high note, when on my 2nd to last question, I hear him turn (he had literally just arrived home from traveling, and his family was going crazy) to what I assume is a child and say “You’re what fell out? Your TOOTH fell out?! Oh, hold on…”
Almost Strike 3, but I manage to foul it off and get another shot.
“Ok, so I’ll let you go, I have just one last question. If you could be any kind of breakfast pastry, what kind of breakfast pastry would you chose to be?”
“Breakfast pastry?”
Here comes the pitch, it looks like another fastball, Jason has been missing those today…
“Yeah, any sort of breakfast pastry, and why?”
He stands stoic in the batter’s box, unflinching as what is likely strike 3 barrels in on him…
“Oh, I’d be a pain au chocolate, the French chocolate croissant (which I know because I took French, have been to France, and live with a chocoholic) because I had one of those guys everyday as I walked to school in Paris, and they’re the best in the world!”
And he hits it out of the park ladies and gentlemen!! Not only was the hit funny, but it was topical, and added information about the author once living in France! Heft him on your shoulders boys, he came through in the clutch.
Several college friends were emailed links to the story and laughed. You see, in Journalism 60, Dr. Nordstrom, in one of the first days of class, was talking about interviewing, and he said “ask me a question, anything, someone…” and my hand shot up. He pointed, likely expecting a stupid question from a beginning reporter. He got a stupid question, but a intentionally stupid question.
And the breakfast pastry question was born…
Two weeks ago, I was asked by my editor to interview Khaled Hosseini, the Afghanistan-born author of The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hosseini gained prominence for being the first best-selling Afghan writer in the Western world, having put his book out during a time when most Americans thought Afghan meant either “footrest” or “crazy terrorist.”
Both books are sold in Starbucks, and Kite Runner is now a movie that spawned outrage in Afghanistan over the sodomizing of a young boy in one portion of the movie.
So I had to interview the guy for the Examiner’s 3-Minute Interview, a section that takes 30 minutes to interview for, 20 minutes to right and about 30 seconds to read. And we call it the 3-Minute Interview.
I had to keep them generic because I haven’t read the book, despite the fact that the Hosseini and I are both Independence High School graduates. So I led with…
“I read in news reports that you recently invited current Independence students to a screening of Kite Runner, what was it like being able to do that for your old school?”
“I did what?”
“I read that you had given a screening of Kite Runner to IHS students?”
“Not that I know of…”
“Oh, nevermind then…”
Strike one
Also, interesting note, my computer kept changing IHS to HIS (see, tried to do it there again), as if I were writing about Jesus. Screw him, his birthday was yesterday, today he’s just another schmuck on a stick.
I followed with some (safer) questions about working with screenwriters, seeing your product on the big screen, blah blah blah.
Then I asked my first funny question.
“The screenwriter who wrote Kite Runner, David Benioff, also wrote Troy and is working on the Wolverine spin-off, were you ever intimidated that your story didn’t involve warriors in leather?”
“Was I intimidated or was David?”
“No, like, did you ever want to add a super-warrior in leather to your story to match the others?”
“No, he didn’t say I needed to really add anything…”
“No, its like, a joke, you know, cause he writes such varied things?”
“Oh, I guess I don’t get it…”
Strike 2
We kept talking for a bit, and for some reason, I kept coming back to David Benioff. And – come to think of it – I’ve read 25th Hour, seen it, seen Troy, plan to see Wolverine. I should have been interviewing David Benioff.
I had one funny question left, hoping to end on a high note, when on my 2nd to last question, I hear him turn (he had literally just arrived home from traveling, and his family was going crazy) to what I assume is a child and say “You’re what fell out? Your TOOTH fell out?! Oh, hold on…”
Almost Strike 3, but I manage to foul it off and get another shot.
“Ok, so I’ll let you go, I have just one last question. If you could be any kind of breakfast pastry, what kind of breakfast pastry would you chose to be?”
“Breakfast pastry?”
Here comes the pitch, it looks like another fastball, Jason has been missing those today…
“Yeah, any sort of breakfast pastry, and why?”
He stands stoic in the batter’s box, unflinching as what is likely strike 3 barrels in on him…
“Oh, I’d be a pain au chocolate, the French chocolate croissant (which I know because I took French, have been to France, and live with a chocoholic) because I had one of those guys everyday as I walked to school in Paris, and they’re the best in the world!”
And he hits it out of the park ladies and gentlemen!! Not only was the hit funny, but it was topical, and added information about the author once living in France! Heft him on your shoulders boys, he came through in the clutch.
Several college friends were emailed links to the story and laughed. You see, in Journalism 60, Dr. Nordstrom, in one of the first days of class, was talking about interviewing, and he said “ask me a question, anything, someone…” and my hand shot up. He pointed, likely expecting a stupid question from a beginning reporter. He got a stupid question, but a intentionally stupid question.
And the breakfast pastry question was born…
Sunday, September 2, 2007
PUNishing WordPlay
What happens on a Friday when reporters are bored...
As background, I wrote about an attack by bees at a nearby school
Adam Martin: Dude, I hate you
Jason : I love you too
Adam Martin: I am soooooooooooo jealous
Jason : of what?
Adam Martin: bee attack?
Adam Martin: ARe you kidding me?
Jason : hahaha
Adam Martin: That's the best story ever
Jason : I know, I hear it has good buzz
Adam Martin: oh, no you didn't
Adam Martin: That one really stung
Jason : did I just bogart your overly-setup punchline?
Adam Martin: no prob, honey, I've got tons
Jason : bahdumpdump
Jason : you didnt happen to read our edition today did you? the smoking ordinance story?
Adam Martin: no
Jason : check out the lede
Jason : For almost six months, Belmont's efforts to curb secondhand smoke exposure in town have hung like a cloud over the city, sparking international discussion, claims of incendiary human rights violations and countless smoking puns.
Adam Martin: I've been in the car until just now
Adam Martin: oh, snap!
Adam Martin: Hat's off to you, sir
Adam Martin: You're really on fire
Jason : thank you, I was like "is this too tongue-in-cheek for us?"
Jason : but apparently not
Adam Martin: no, perfect. Smokin, even
Jason Goldman-Hall: I thought so
Adam Martin: Yeah, you lit that one up
Jason : stop stop, you're just blowing smoke up my ass now
Adam Martin: DAAAAANNNNNGGGG
Jason : its like word-geek ping-pong
Adam Martin: totally
Jason : part scrabble, part wizard's duel
Adam Martin: All guaranteed to never get you laid
Jason : funny too, because it just so happens my gf is on a roadtrip right now.. so you're kind of right
Adam Martin: ha!
Adam Martin: see?
Adam Martin: Some night you two were probably eating dessert and you were all, "that's the way the cookie crumbles," and she was like, "oh, guess what, I've got a road trip to go on right now."
As background, I wrote about an attack by bees at a nearby school
Adam Martin: Dude, I hate you
Jason : I love you too
Adam Martin: I am soooooooooooo jealous
Jason : of what?
Adam Martin: bee attack?
Adam Martin: ARe you kidding me?
Jason : hahaha
Adam Martin: That's the best story ever
Jason : I know, I hear it has good buzz
Adam Martin: oh, no you didn't
Adam Martin: That one really stung
Jason : did I just bogart your overly-setup punchline?
Adam Martin: no prob, honey, I've got tons
Jason : bahdumpdump
Jason : you didnt happen to read our edition today did you? the smoking ordinance story?
Adam Martin: no
Jason : check out the lede
Jason : For almost six months, Belmont's efforts to curb secondhand smoke exposure in town have hung like a cloud over the city, sparking international discussion, claims of incendiary human rights violations and countless smoking puns.
Adam Martin: I've been in the car until just now
Adam Martin: oh, snap!
Adam Martin: Hat's off to you, sir
Adam Martin: You're really on fire
Jason : thank you, I was like "is this too tongue-in-cheek for us?"
Jason : but apparently not
Adam Martin: no, perfect. Smokin, even
Jason Goldman-Hall: I thought so
Adam Martin: Yeah, you lit that one up
Jason : stop stop, you're just blowing smoke up my ass now
Adam Martin: DAAAAANNNNNGGGG
Jason : its like word-geek ping-pong
Adam Martin: totally
Jason : part scrabble, part wizard's duel
Adam Martin: All guaranteed to never get you laid
Jason : funny too, because it just so happens my gf is on a roadtrip right now.. so you're kind of right
Adam Martin: ha!
Adam Martin: see?
Adam Martin: Some night you two were probably eating dessert and you were all, "that's the way the cookie crumbles," and she was like, "oh, guess what, I've got a road trip to go on right now."
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