Random Acts of Strangeness

Things Teachers Should Never Have to Say... Part I (of many)

2009-10-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that on top of sentences like "Sit down, don't worry, all will be explained," that I utter far too often in the course of teaching 5 high school English classes daily (which made me realize that I haven't updated this blog in almost as long as it's been since I left journalism, dang), there are a number of things I've had to say or hear in 8 weeks that still, to this day, baffle me. And I don't consider myself one who baffles easily. So I think it's time to start posting these things for public consumption.
Without further ado...(all names changed to protect the guilty)

"Jimmy, will you please stop chewing on your backpack..."
said to a sophomore who decided - because I don't allow his period to eat or drink anymore - that he would instead munch Jansport

"Mr. GH, Joe and I aren't gay...."
said in response to the question "Are you guys going to work, or do I have to split you up?"
My response was "I really don't care who you're intimate with, as long as you're not doing it in the middle of my class while I'm trying to teach."

But by far the most disturbing trend is what I call BETMI, for Bathroom Excuse, Too Much Information. For whatever reason, students feel that unless they tell me specifically what hurts, or what they had to eat, or what it's going to look like, I won't let them go to the restroom.

"Mr. G, can I go to the bathroom?"
"Yes, go quick,"
"Thank you, I really have to go, I've had to pee since 3rd period and I think I might have just..."
"Seriously Jane, I said you could go, I could get fired just for hearing this! Just go!"

"Mr. GH, when Carl gets back from the bathroom, can I go next?"
"Yes, just wait for him to sit down,"
"I've had really runny poops all day and I've had to get up and go each period, I think I might be sick."
"Nancy, really, why did you think anyone us needed to hear that?"

The Debate Rages...

2008-07-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

So some Mormon friends of mine started a Facebook event to rally support to vote against gay marriage (or for the ban), and they decided to do it the week I learned one of my long-time friends and coworkers is dying of cancer, so I've decided to take my anger out on one of them in a series of debates through facebook messaging.
I started when I RSVPd to the event and said :

I won't be attending, I'll either be going to the "Save the Whales - Shoot a Dolphin" or "Save the Earth - Blow up a Turtle" event that night.
Get it?
Because shooting a dolphin won't "save" whales, and I'm pretty sure blowing up a turtle won't "save" the Earth, just as discriminating against people who genuinely want to get married, and who have demonstrated long-term commitment and parenting skills in spite of continued discrimination won't "save" California marriages, because the only people threatening California marriages are people who have been able to get married for years - i.e. heterosexuals.

He took the comment down, so I wrote

Haha, remember when "traditional marriage" meant people of mixed races couldn't marry? Are you guys going to rally to bring that back next?

Then he emailed me.

If you don't agree with our stand on this issue, that is fine. However, you don't need to be deragatory towards us. Democracy simply states that we can have a voice. It does not state what kind of voice we need to have. I applaud your personal feelings towards this. However, I ask you go somewhere else to voice them. This group is to allow people who are voting a certain way find others doing the same. It is not for you to get on a soapbox and state whatever you want.

So I responded:

With all due respect, just because my friends are being bigots doesn't make bigotry ok. You're supporting an effort to eliminate the right that consenting adults, taxpayers, Americans, Christians, good people, have, to take part in an institution of of love, respect and community responsibility.
I've celebrated the weddings of a number of our mutual friends, and not celebrated because one happened to have a penis and one happened to have a vagina. I celebrated because they were in love, and now, people want to say that THEY can decide who gets married, that YOU can tell someone that their love isn't as valid as the love you can take part in.
You're right, democracy has a voice, but there were states in this country who wanted to outlaw blacks from marrying whites. In 1967 the courts had to step in and stop states from banning marriages between races, because it was a human rights violation, and that's what we're looking at again. Except, now, instead of "evil southerners" and "evil slaveowners" as the "bad guys" its people who I have sent wedding presents to, people that I've said "congratulations on your wedding," to.
If LDS is opposed to gay marriage, fine, don't let gay Mormons get married in your church. If it's against the book of Leviticus for gays to marry, fine, don't let them get married in churches, but, while you're at it, better start exiling menstruating women and, if you can, find me a rabbit who chews cud, because both of THOSE are also in that section of the Bible.
But since marriage - as soon as it started having tax impacts and legal ramifications - became a state institution, it should, and must, be kept separate from any church. And because of this, I'm going to exercise my voice in any way I see fit, because bad things happen when good people do and say nothing.
So no offense, but I believe in equality for all people, and you don't, and this country is supposed to be based on equality, liberty and justice for all.
As Burke said, and has been paraphrased and re-quoted time and again, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

So he responded, and then wrote back, my comments in blue.

1. Marriage has always had limits on it. It is not legal to marry your sibling, parent, or cousin. Nor is it legal to marry a child. I am sure there are some "consenting adults, taxpayers, Americans, Christians, good people" who would like to change these rules. However, society decides what is moral and what is not. I believe that California did that in March of 2000. 4,618,673 Californians said that gay marriage was not a moral aspect of marriage they wished to accept. I assume you feel each of them was a "bigot". The California decided to overturn the vote of the people. I feel this is a major reason to vote for Proposition 8 to show the courts they cannot override the voice of the people. I do not believe in legislating from the bench, and will be voting to show that.

The fact that you, and so many other people, still list loving a person who happens to have the same genitals as you as a deviance up there with incest and pedophilia, in 2008, is astounding, especially considering that in your book of Genesis, Lot, the very man who railed against the sexual deviance of Sodom, lays with his daughters to "preserve his seed" (Gen 19:early 30ish) . I do feel - in fact - that everyone who voted against it was a bigot. Because - as I said - there as a time when the will of the people wanted to ban interracial marriage, and, I'm hope you'd agree, that the will of the people was in fact wrong at that point. It was also once the belief of the majority that the world was flat, and that germs didn't exist, and both times, a vocal minority proved them wrong.

2. I am not in anyway saying their love is invalid, or they should not have equal breaks in taxes, inheritance, etc. I am simply saying they should not be given the privledge of marriage.

If it's a privilege, show me how you and I have earned that, other than the fact that - and it has to be put bluntly - that we prefer people without penises. It's not that marriage has to produce children, because then barren couples would not be allowed to marry. It can't be because children need a mother and a father to survive, because plenty of parents have died and their children have been fine.

3. I do not feel that groups wanting to change the insitute of marriage will stop at this. They will want to fight against institutes such as churches who refuse to perform same-sex marriages. They will cry out injustice, and who knows what courts will do. They ignored the voice of the people. I want to protect against courts having any right to infringe of the rights of churches and the seperation of churches and state. If you feel this is not going to happen, read about what the U.S. Congress and Supreme Court did to my church in regards to plural marriage.

The courts aren't infringing on church rights, because one doesnt need a church to marry. Holy Matrimony and marriage are not the same thing. One is granted by a church, one by a state. Marriage is a state institution, holy matrimony a church institution. Again, if LDS has a problem with it, fine, dont perform them, and if you guys want to fight against the courts, I'll stand with you, because you're right, if a church doesnt want to, they dont have to. BUT, marriage is not the sole property of the church, and therefore, what you may hold true in your church can not be forced on the rest of the population who does not see it your way, especially because - again - your church and many others are simply violating human rights.

4. Most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a different opinion on marriage than most other Christians. We believe that marriage has been, is, and forever will be an institute created by God. You believe that marriage is part of the state. I do not. I believe the state came in and started legislating marriage. However, religion never gave up their original claim to marriage.

Interestingly enough, the institution of marriage has been regulated (by civic law incidentally) for over 5,000 years, with laws from ancient Sumeria related to it. Last time I checked, your church is - from what I know - 178 years old, Christianity about 2,000 years, Judaism maybe what, 3-4,000 years old? So show me where you guys invented it?
I've respected Mormons for much of my life. I've defended you against Christians who claim that you guys aren't followers of Christ, I've proudly said how many of my friends are members of LDS. But I'm sorry, I cannot abide by human rights violations, because we don't live in a single-religion or lifestyle world. What goes for your church doesnt go for anothers, what goes for any church doesnt go for me, and as such, we cannot create an institution that outlaws something simply on the basis of people misreading a 2000+ year old collection of myths that has been re-edited and re-written over the ages to fit the needs of the powerful. If the state recognized it, the people who want a marriage outside a church can have one, and if churches want to still deny the right to marry in their church, fine, I'm ok with that, because it's your church, its your mythology, its your belief system. But for the people out there who don't believe as you do, and don't see the world as you do, and aren't doing something to hurt one another, or the world as a whole (come on, they want to get married, to love each other, to be recognized for that love, to have something their parents had, and their grandparents had, and their friends have)

5. You cannot make a judgement in regards to my personal beliefs in regards to my patrotism. That is not your position or right to make any judgement in that regard.

Believing in equality isn't patriotism, its right, its fair, and it benefits our entire world. Frankly, patriotism is as valuable to me as religion.

5. I believe I am doing what Burke stated. I believe I am standing up for an instution that God created and has been changed over the years into something that is a right. I believe entering a covenant of marriage is a privledge that God has given us. So, I am standing up in contradiction to what I see as an evil. You disagree, and I respect that.

Again, you guys didnt invent it, so you can no more claim control over it than I can claim control over the Lego empire, although we'd both like to.
I believe we live in a world of countless religions and beliefs, and our country specifically is supposed to be one of freedom of belief. So I propose the state - a non religious entity - allow it, because people like me, and my cousin and her wife, don't need a church to get married, nor do we want one. And we'll let the churches do what they want with the rest. If you guys dont want to grant marriages to gays, go for it. You'll still be bigots, but at least you're just bigots in your own temples. If the jews down the street don't want it, fine, just as long as they do it on their own. If the Muslims want to do it, great, have fun. But because we live in a world of varied beliefs, our state must see to it that the diverse opinions are regulated and allowed so as not to deny the rights of fair, tax-paying, consenting citizens, and this effort to protect "traditional marriages" will do just that, remove rights.
I dont want gays to be able to have mormon weddings, I dont want them to be able to have Catholic ceremonies, I want my cousin and her wife to be able to say "we're married" and have no one deny it.

So he wrote:

Jason,

I respect your opinions. I am sorry you do not respect mine. If you makes you feel better, I will be accept your opinion of me that I, along with millions of others are bigots. But just know what just because some believes different from you makes them wrong.

Chakaar (name changed to protect the guilty)

so I wrote:

Chakaar,

Believing differently is not wrong, denying human rights is. It's a simple issue. These are not pedophiles, these are not incestuous criminals, these are not sexual deviants, these are men and women who pay their taxes, take part in their communities, go to their churches, go to their schools, love their parents, their children and their friends, and want to be allowed to love as fully as you and I can.

Jason

Miscegeny 2.0

2008-06-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

To those who plan to vote against gay marriage, I want to offer a few points.

1) “My bible/religion says its bad, and I follow that” is not good enough because the bible also says: (a) Rabbits chew cud (Lev 11:6) (b) Some flying creatures walk on four legs (Lev 10:20-21) (c) Menstruating women and everything they touch are unclean. The only cure for this uncleanness was for the priest to kill a couple of pigeons. (Lev 15:19-30) – And none of these blatant fucking inaccuracies result in widespread discrimination, the denial of rights, and the creation of a tiered social structure in which people are placed lower simply because of who they love.

2) You can’t use the “marriage was originally for the production of children” argument, because (a) then you’d have to deny marriage to barren and infertile people, and (b) Lesbian couples could have TWICE the children, making them – in fact – SUPER-marriages.

3) You can’t say it’s because children need a mother and a father, because (a) plenty of men and women have successfully raised children alone and (b) plenty of homosexual couples – regardless of legal status – have successfully raised children.

4) You can’t say it’s because “that’s the way marriage has always been,” because once marriage was forbidden between blacks and whites, and we solved THAT little civil rights issue.

5) You can’t say it’s because it would lead to incest and bestiality – something a lot of people seem to think – because (a) homosexuality is not “deviant” and (b) it’s a fucking retarded argument.

So go ahead and vote to discriminate against people simple because of who they love. But KNOW that even if I’m wrong, and there is a god, if he’s HALF as loving as you claim to believe he is, then you have to know, deep in your heart, that allowing people to enter into a spiritual, legal, familial bond, equal to all others who have ever done it, and bringing with it legal, financial and supportive responsibilities, benefits our entire society.

If you still want to vote against them.

1) %&@# you

2) And the horse you rode in on.

Give him an inch, he'll take a foot...

2008-04-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

Ahh…Poisson D’Avril
So as background, just over a week ago, my wonderful cousin Robin walked to Valley Faire with Cera and I from our house, which would have been nice, except she’s a New Yorker, and turned a leisurely afternoon stroll into a powerwalk.
In sandals.
So my left foot has been sore since then.
Diving this past weekend didn’t help it one bit.
Which brings me to today.
Sitting in Shakespeare in Performance class, talking with my classmates, I realized that it was April 1, and realized that – since I had forgotten – it was a pretty damn good chance Cera had too.
So instead of telling her I had “a surprise” for her and then picking up a bag of dog food on the way home – as I had originally intended – I decided that I was going to tell her I had broken my foot.
Why my foot?

Well, I had been bitching like a little girl already about it, so the seed was planted, and what’s more random than that? I could have faked the pregnancy, or pretended her car had been towed, or pretended her aunt had died, but those have all been done before.
So by coincidence, I ran into Cera on campus just before noon, and – realizing that she didn’t see me walk up to her – I told her that I had hobbled, and that – after stepping on a stair wrong – I think my foot was really broken, and that I would be hobbling or hopping to the health center to get it X-Rayed.
--NOTE: not even sure if they do that, but I do have the insurance, so if they do, I could have—
So I hobbled off, or at least until I could see that she wasn’t looking, then I walked normally.
When I picked her up, I told her I had good news and bad news and bad news, the bad news and bad news being that I had broken my foot (in “the bone above my arch”) and that, unfortunately, due to a problem with medical records, they wouldn’t be able to cast it.
I even told her that the doctor at the health center (not even sure if there are actual doctors there) told me that usually broken bones like this are followed by low-level nausea, which I had also been complaining about for several days. Score one for outside info points!
Unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to my Horse AIDS-expert friend Susan, sometimes they don’t put a cast on immediately, to let swelling subside.
So Cera – easily the most loving, caring woman in the world – went into motherly mode, and helped me limp/hop/hobble into the house, helped me take off my shoe – complete with mock pain when she obeyed by whimper to “just yank the shoe off, quick, go go AHHH!!!”
She got me my homework, she rolled up a towel to elevate my foot and made me dinner. She even felt really bad when she bumped my foot as she walked by, all the while letting me watch Terminator III: Rise of the Machines, something she’d never let me do otherwise.
I even had her help me skipopble back to my car to go to school, and then had Susan text message her offering crutches, but she never checked her phone.
I sat through class, headed home (to the sounds of the Sharks winning) and wrote “April Fools !!” on my foot in black Sharpie before hopibblipping back into the house and into our bedroom, with Cera offering to pamper me more.
I told her to come see “something gross” and look at my foot, and when she did, with a look of care in her eye, she read the message.
She ended up beating me with a pillow in retaliation, and I have to take her to dinner this week, but she admits it was AWESOME.

THIS...IS....SPARTA(n territory)!!!

2008-01-29T13:49:00.001-08:00

Well, seeing as how I’m no longer writing everyday for work, I’ve found myself wanting to write for fun again (at least for my enjoyment, if not for the enjoyment of others) so I’m hopefully going to start writing more.
That being said, I’m 4 days into my second round of college education, and while I could go on and on about people I’ve seen and met, I’ll reduce it to a collection of thoughts, which is pretty much how my days go by as I walk around campus.

Short booty shorts in the middle of winter…check.
Knee-high striped athletic socks to match the booty shorts…check
…under a pair of bring pink Crocs…give my fucking checks back

Unlike the mall, where I’m constantly assaulted with metrosexuals who want to spray me with something from a tube meant to make me more attractive, I’m somehow able to walk through the quad completely unharassed by the multitude of frats out trawling.
What, sure my hair is thinning a bit, but don’t I look like the kind of guy just aching to be saddled with some homoerotic nickname like “Hot Rod” or “Rocket” and power-slam blackberry brandy until my eyes explode?

On the topic of frats, one of them has a midget as their main spokesman, he’s out in the quad passing out buttons and inviting people to BBQs. No lie, I almost walked into the little bastard as I looked up to get raindrops on my tongue yesterday. He needs one of those little flags I had on my bike as a kid so people in trucks could see me as I rode past their driveway.

Listen you pompous fuck, I don’t care that you think your Liberal Arts/Art double major is the shit’s tits, you don’t need to “reveal” to us the secret that most mainstream literature is dumbed down for the masses, you don’t need to ask all of us to re-spell the email address we put on the sheet because you can’t tell the difference between a 1 (written just like that, with the little hat and the base) and an L, although no one in their right fucking mind writes their lowercase l in the same way my computer just did. When you get out of this class and school (and – for fucks sake – shave that stupid beard you’re attempting to grow, you look like a near-sighted scrotum).

There’s a “Listening Corner,” in the Student Union, where a kind old lady sits just about all day, and from what I can tell, she’s just there to listen to students. I think I may have to start sitting down and (a) making up problems or (b) telling very long, very drawn out jokes.

Speaking of jokes, today in my Shakespeare and Performance class, I read Sonnet #19 in what was supposed to be an Australian accent in honor of Heath Ledger (and his Shakespearean body of work – 10 Things I Hate About You) but ended up sounded very snooty and very English, bugger…

To the overly-PC Ethnicity in American Literature class: First of all, saying “American by immigration” is not a point of pride or a sensitive statement, it’s a fucking redundancy. On a long enough timeline, we’re ALL Americans by immigration, even the “Native” Americans who came to this continent from what is now Asia. And although I agree that if I see a black guy, I can’t assume he was born and raised in Africa, only brought over a week ago, but I can damn-well assume that SOMEWHERE in his lineage, SOMEONE was from Africa, because people with dark skin and those features originated there. Just as I can assume that someone who looks Asian (unless they’re Bjork) is from SOMEWHERE in Asia. That’s not a value judgment, its not a statement of “they should just be that thing, or just identify that way,” it’s a statement of genetic fact.

Does chocolate feel pain?

2007-12-26T11:13:00.001-08:00

Hot damn it’s been a long time since I wrote on this thing. Not that I haven’t been out pestering strangers, I just haven’t been writing about it.

Two weeks ago, I was asked by my editor to interview Khaled Hosseini, the Afghanistan-born author of The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hosseini gained prominence for being the first best-selling Afghan writer in the Western world, having put his book out during a time when most Americans thought Afghan meant either “footrest” or “crazy terrorist.”
Both books are sold in Starbucks, and Kite Runner is now a movie that spawned outrage in Afghanistan over the sodomizing of a young boy in one portion of the movie.
So I had to interview the guy for the Examiner’s 3-Minute Interview, a section that takes 30 minutes to interview for, 20 minutes to right and about 30 seconds to read. And we call it the 3-Minute Interview.
I had to keep them generic because I haven’t read the book, despite the fact that the Hosseini and I are both Independence High School graduates. So I led with…
“I read in news reports that you recently invited current Independence students to a screening of Kite Runner, what was it like being able to do that for your old school?”
“I did what?”
“I read that you had given a screening of Kite Runner to IHS students?”
“Not that I know of…”
“Oh, nevermind then…”
Strike one

Also, interesting note, my computer kept changing IHS to HIS (see, tried to do it there again), as if I were writing about Jesus. Screw him, his birthday was yesterday, today he’s just another schmuck on a stick.

I followed with some (safer) questions about working with screenwriters, seeing your product on the big screen, blah blah blah.
Then I asked my first funny question.
“The screenwriter who wrote Kite Runner, David Benioff, also wrote Troy and is working on the Wolverine spin-off, were you ever intimidated that your story didn’t involve warriors in leather?”
“Was I intimidated or was David?”
“No, like, did you ever want to add a super-warrior in leather to your story to match the others?”
“No, he didn’t say I needed to really add anything…”
“No, its like, a joke, you know, cause he writes such varied things?”
“Oh, I guess I don’t get it…”
Strike 2

We kept talking for a bit, and for some reason, I kept coming back to David Benioff. And – come to think of it – I’ve read 25th Hour, seen it, seen Troy, plan to see Wolverine. I should have been interviewing David Benioff.
I had one funny question left, hoping to end on a high note, when on my 2nd to last question, I hear him turn (he had literally just arrived home from traveling, and his family was going crazy) to what I assume is a child and say “You’re what fell out? Your TOOTH fell out?! Oh, hold on…”
Almost Strike 3, but I manage to foul it off and get another shot.
“Ok, so I’ll let you go, I have just one last question. If you could be any kind of breakfast pastry, what kind of breakfast pastry would you chose to be?”
“Breakfast pastry?”
Here comes the pitch, it looks like another fastball, Jason has been missing those today…
“Yeah, any sort of breakfast pastry, and why?”
He stands stoic in the batter’s box, unflinching as what is likely strike 3 barrels in on him…
“Oh, I’d be a pain au chocolate, the French chocolate croissant (which I know because I took French, have been to France, and live with a chocoholic) because I had one of those guys everyday as I walked to school in Paris, and they’re the best in the world!”
And he hits it out of the park ladies and gentlemen!! Not only was the hit funny, but it was topical, and added information about the author once living in France! Heft him on your shoulders boys, he came through in the clutch.

Several college friends were emailed links to the story and laughed. You see, in Journalism 60, Dr. Nordstrom, in one of the first days of class, was talking about interviewing, and he said “ask me a question, anything, someone…” and my hand shot up. He pointed, likely expecting a stupid question from a beginning reporter. He got a stupid question, but a intentionally stupid question.
And the breakfast pastry question was born…

PUNishing WordPlay

2007-09-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

What happens on a Friday when reporters are bored...
As background, I wrote about an attack by bees at a nearby school

Adam Martin: Dude, I hate you
Jason : I love you too
Adam Martin: I am soooooooooooo jealous
Jason : of what?
Adam Martin: bee attack?
Adam Martin: ARe you kidding me?
Jason : hahaha
Adam Martin: That's the best story ever
Jason : I know, I hear it has good buzz
Adam Martin: oh, no you didn't
Adam Martin: That one really stung
Jason : did I just bogart your overly-setup punchline?
Adam Martin: no prob, honey, I've got tons
Jason : bahdumpdump
Jason : you didnt happen to read our edition today did you? the smoking ordinance story?
Adam Martin: no
Jason : check out the lede
Jason : For almost six months, Belmont's efforts to curb secondhand smoke exposure in town have hung like a cloud over the city, sparking international discussion, claims of incendiary human rights violations and countless smoking puns.
Adam Martin: I've been in the car until just now
Adam Martin: oh, snap!
Adam Martin: Hat's off to you, sir
Adam Martin: You're really on fire
Jason : thank you, I was like "is this too tongue-in-cheek for us?"
Jason : but apparently not
Adam Martin: no, perfect. Smokin, even
Jason Goldman-Hall: I thought so
Adam Martin: Yeah, you lit that one up
Jason : stop stop, you're just blowing smoke up my ass now
Adam Martin: DAAAAANNNNNGGGG
Jason : its like word-geek ping-pong
Adam Martin: totally
Jason : part scrabble, part wizard's duel
Adam Martin: All guaranteed to never get you laid
Jason : funny too, because it just so happens my gf is on a roadtrip right now.. so you're kind of right
Adam Martin: ha!
Adam Martin: see?
Adam Martin: Some night you two were probably eating dessert and you were all, "that's the way the cookie crumbles," and she was like, "oh, guess what, I've got a road trip to go on right now."

Are you calling my squinty?

2007-09-02T19:40:00.001-07:00

Of course, all this happens when I’m shopping alone (as opposed to shopping with the one-woman “she broke it, I bought it” wonder that is Cera).
I went to Safeway to get some milk, fruit, bread (and assorted other things straight off the 3rd grade grammar class shopping list) and as I shopped, I discovered that 12 packs of coke were on sale, for buy 2 get 2 free! So I bought 2 of both coke and diet coke. Fuck Coke Zero, I hear that stuff is made with mongoose hair and old jugs of windex (which yes, comes in jugs).
So as I went to check out, mind you, in the express line, 1 item over the 15 item express limit, there were to young Asian children in front of me, bumping 2 watermelons against one another on the rubber conveyor belt, throwing packets of gum at each other and generally carrying on like mongeese (its been a riki tiki tavi kinda night…).
The woman working the counter turned to me, and in a very disgusted tone – as I put my cereal up to pay for – “Excuse me sir, are these your children?”
I ended up saying “umm… no ma’am,” but this is what ran through my head, in no particular order.
1) Yes, did you like me in Se7en?
2) I was about to ask you the same thing, African-American woman.
3) Yes, would you like me to hit them?
4) No, pets…
5) Yes, they have their mother’s eyes
6) and hair
7) and general body shape
8) and ethnic background
9) and clothing style…

She later apologized for accusing me of being their parent (because they were rowdy, not – I don’t think – because they were asian) and sold me my goods, which I saved nearly $20 thanks to the red card of courage.

Be fooled...

2007-06-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

I find it sad that no matter how many rocks I ever do or don't "got," I will never be (never be) Jason from the block...

I'll take Door # 2!

2007-06-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

Around 3 yesterday, my coworker was running downstairs (or actually walking, I dont think she was hungry enough to justify running in her weird shoes) to get lunch, and I needed a soda, so I followed.
As I stepped out of the office, a few paces behind her, I saw her hopping on the elevator to head down to the lobby, so I called out "Hold the Door!"
Oddly enough, the kind Asian man walking into the single-person (as in "no stall," "one toilet," "if there are two people inside, one of them is seeing parts that ain't his") held the door to the bathroom for me, even giving me a "here you go sir!" look.
As I scooted past him, creeped out, I politely told him "Whoa, yeah, not THAT door," and hopped in the elevator infinitely more confused about bathroom etiquette than I had been just minutes earlier.
Part of me wonders if I should have just gone into the bathroom, I mean, he was holding the door for me...

All's well that ends Falwell

2007-05-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously thinking of trying to put together an impromptu party for tonight just to celebrate.
Jerry Falwell has died. He died, his heart stopped, he stopped breathing, and his brain ceased to function (at least chemically, it can be argued that it never really did much in the first place)
And, like so many terrorists, I'd like to step forward and claim credit, as an atheist and a liberal.
The man blamed atheists, gays, liberals, lesbians, pro-choice voters and kitchen sinks for natural disasters, and although he was too busy choking on his own tongue to do it here, I think it's only natural to assume that he would have if he had any breath left in his fat-encrusted lungs, so I'll just do him a final favor and take credit for it.
Since we were able to anger "god" so much that he crashed planes into buildings and submerged New Orleans, we must have done something to lead to god wiping that fat bastard away like a tag nut.
So I encourage everyone to go out, have a drink, think about how good life is. Not because death puts it all into perspective for us, but because the world is legitimately a better place without him.

And not to belittle Scuttle the Seagul, but did you ever notice how much Jerry Falwell looked like Buddy Hackett?

Pop!

2007-05-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be funny if instead of floating up into heaven like a helium balloon, the Rapture made heads explode?
How different with Revelations be if instead of "Oo.. there goes Mommy, wish I had been saved too!" it was "POP!! Holy crap, is that mommy's brain?"

Morning Music not all its Co-oped up to Be

2007-04-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just thought I’d vent a little here. As soon as 104.9 returned to the Bay Area as English-language alt-rock, I dropped Live 105.3 down to #2 on my car’s dial, mainly because the lack of DJs and the better music selection on the Sunnyvale-based 104.9 trumps the crappy emocore and neo-new wave Live 105 is possessed with, not to mention the freedom from the Woody Tony and Ravey morning show inanity.

But today, in the middle of commercials on 104.9, I flipped over to the former Morning Music Co-Op (as far as I can tell, the only part not done by the crew these days is that Capt. Jack surf and ski report, and that’s a sponsored bit).

I heard Woody and Greg mocking Bay Area residents for being opposed to trucks and SUVs, and they said something along the lines of “Why do you buy trucks? Go buy Priuses!” And Greg laughed his baritone laugh.

Then, not 10 seconds later, they read more traffic reports involving SUVs and Woody asked “What the hell is up with all the SUVs?”

…

Now – and I’ve said this many times before – I have no problem with Greg G. being a Republican. He’s entitled to his opinions as I am entitled to mine. But I take issue when people are blindly or unintelligently commenting on something. If you’re going to rag on the anti-SUV crew, you should at least pause when you then read an article on how a lot of the accidents this morning dealt with them, rolling over, not stopping in time, etc.

What I don’t think Greg has noticed recently is that while – yes – the GOP and George W. do have many of the same ideologies, most of the major Republican politicians in the country, and intelligent Republican thinkers (John McCain for example) are not blind Bush supporters anymore.

Bush is not a bad Republican, or a good Republican. Bush is an overwhelmed, unintelligent man. He is not just anti-intellectual, he’s anti-intellect. He plays on emotions, he works on hunches and a false sense of justice. He is just simply not an intelligent man. If he were a Democrat, I’d dislike him just as much (and in fact, my hatred of Joseph Lieberman is a similar feeling) as I do currently.

So tying this back in to the lead paragraph.

I like Woody, I like Tony, and I like Ravey (I’ll forgive the Catholic thing). But what I can’t stand is this ongoing “That’s so not Bay Area,” thing.

As a person who believes that gays should be able to marry, and that war is not the answer, and that a trip to the supermarket on my bike is better than one in a car, I would fall into the category of “liberal.”

I think we should have socialized health care to take care of the people who can’t afford it. Sure, my benefits might suffer, and I might have to pay more, but honestly, I can afford to.

But do I think we should stand out all day with a sign and bash Bush?

No.

Do I think we should vilify soldiers?

No, unless of course they’re raping and killing women and children as has happened too many times in the past.

But should people not be held accountable for their actions?

Of course not.

Should people have to sack up once in awhile and break out of their comfort zones to do things they may be opposed to?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

I’m liberal, but not in the sense of “Do as every wants to do, encourage people to sue left and right.”

The morning show itself is – as they put it – “So Bay Area.”

They have a conservative guy sitting with a Catholic prude, a horny ex-frat boy and a moderate liberal/fiscal conservative serial monogamist who jokes around about “Got Wood,” and they sit around and talk about movies and music.

That’s the Bay Area for you guys.

Stop biting the hand of the people who go to your concerts. Stop slamming your listener base just for the sake of slamming your listener base. If you have such an issue with it that you need to vent about it constantly, do something about it. Get out and change things, or move, or accept it and move on.

And finally – and for the love of all that is holy – listen to 104.9 more, they play Spacehog.

A Giggle of Nanjas

2007-04-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Location: Grandma’s Kitchen, Monterey
Date: April 22
Time: Dinnertime

A group of 7 was sitting at a diner table, waiting for the rest of our…gang.

Waitress: Are you guys expecting a group?
Me: (I look around, seeing that I’m already in a group) “We have more coming, what constitutes a group?

Waitress: A few people or more.

Me: How many is a few? I think we have like, 5 more coming, I’d say that was more like a gaggle.

Waitress: That’s a group of geese.

Me: Yeah, geese, or NINJAS.

Waitress: Ninja’s don’t travel in groups, they hunt alone.

Me: That’s what your meant to think. Ninjas always ride single file to hide their numbers. They’re a lot like Sand People.

Waitress: Ok, so you guys have a few more coming?

Me: Hey. I’m just trying to help you out, you never know when you’ll be attacked by multiple ninjas and need to tell someone about it. Of course, you wont be able to, because they kill quickly and efficiently, but if you were able to get away, you could tell people accurately that it had been a gaggle.

eBagels

2007-04-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning out old emails from my account today, and I found the transcript from a few years ago when I had to write to eBay to get them to turn my account back on because it had been hacked or something. It was very long and technical, and then...

Tylar: You're very welcome, and I was happy to assist you. Did you have any other questions before we close?

Jgoldmanhall: yeah, if you could be any kind of breakfast pastry, what kind would you be?

Tylar: Oh that's easy. A cinnamon bagel with cream cheese.

Jgoldmanhall: excellent!! thank you sir!

just a short one, thought it might make someone giggle.

San Mateo County Nosferatuan Abatement District

2007-04-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

The things I put my editors through...

Brian Liou: i want the prewrite at 6:15 latest
Me: no prob
Me: it's not a controversial issue, has to do with blood-sucking creatures and the city's attempt to eradicate them
Brian Liou: yea love mosquitoes
Brian Liou: especially when i wake up with a fat lower lip
Me: mosquitoes? who's writing about mosquitoes? I'm writing about Vampires. Scary ones, that don't like people playing soccer on their fields...
Brian Liou: riiiiiight
Brian Liou: and i'm the only chinese dracula in the world
Me: hahaha, speaking of ethnic vampires, did you ever see Blackula?

Rumor Milk

2007-01-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

This was a short one, but it made Cera run and hide...

Location: Campbell Safeway
Date: Jan. 19
Time: Late evening, before dinner time

We were walking through the beer/cheese/soda aisle (the Super Bowl party aisle if you will) and I Cera asked what I wanted for dinner, so I said "Something to make me poop," loud enough that the nice middle-aged man down the row from us looked up and smiled.
As we cleared the aisle and I approached the milk section, I turned to a short, round Safeway worker who was walking past us with a man who looked lost.
"Excuse me," I said, causing her to stop and put on her "Treat each customer like a three-legged puppy," smile.
"Yes?" She asked, I'm sure she regretted it later.
"I heard a rumor that milk makes you poop, is that true?"
She laughed as did the lost man with her.
"Umm... I don't know..."
"Cause I want to get some milk, but not if its going to make me poop." I was enjoying the word poop at this point.
"Well, I've never had that problem," she said as she turned to keep walking.
I looked up and Cera was already about 25 yards away down the wine aisle, walking briskly with her head down to deny knowledge of her boyfriend.

Shopping with men

2006-12-31T12:56:00.000-08:00

Location: Valley Faire mall
Date: Sometime between Dec 14, 2006 and Dec. 23, 2006.
Time: mid afternoon.

My lovely girlfriend led me into a women's clothing store right before Xmas, to finish up some last minute gift buying.
We walked in, and I whipped out my handy game boy before turning to look for a place to sit.
There was no fewer than 5 dudes sitting in the entryway, looking like they were about to be kicked in the jaw.
"Whatup guys?!" I say, waving, they all look beaten...
One man, a nice Hispanic dude rocking a baby carriage (as in moving it back and forth, not "Rocking it," as in "Wearing it with style.")
I approach, holding my green game boy.
"Ahh.. the wait..."
"Yeah," he says with a scared laugh, as if any minute his wife was going to return and slap him.
"So dude, I brought a game boy to keep me entertained, but you totally brought a kid!"
"Yep."
"Trade?" I hold the game boy out in case he's not sure what I'm offering for his child.
No lie, he actually looks the game boy over, even ducks his head to see what game is in the slot.
"Sure," he laughs again.
"Sweet!" I say, as my girlfriend returns and leads me away from the store and the poor man she thinks I was harassing.

Nona's 10k Macaroni...

2006-12-31T12:52:00.000-08:00

Location – Burlingame Albertson’s

Date – 12/31/06

Time – Noon

Setting – Looking for lunch.

I approach the deli stand, remark to myself – but still out loud, and in a bad Steve Irwin voice – “krikey, look at all the goodies Jim.”

No word who Jim is at this point.

I stand for maybe 30 seconds looking at their seven sandwich selections. A short, kind-eyed woman approaches from the meat cutter.

“Oh, sorry, didn’t even see you there, what can I get you?”

“Don’t know yet,”

“Well, let me know, we’ve got all the meets, fresh sliced…”

“Mmhmm, how about the BBQ chicken strips one, without red onions.”

“Oh,” she says, as she turns to look at the menu. “I don’t have that one.”

“Hmm.. ok…” I eye the salads, macaroni, garden and otherwise.

“How about…”

“A Caesar?” she interjects, thinking I like caeser salads.

“Hmmm… no, how about one of the macaroni salads…”

One, the Albertson’s Elbow Macaroni Salad, is 2.99 for some portion. Probably “liter.”

The second, with pasta that looks like little wristbands, is called “Nona’s Macaroni Salad,” and its $1 more. But so much more stylish looking.

“Are you Nona?” I ask as she spoons what I think is her namesake macaroni salad variety.

“What?”

“You, are you Nona?”

“No, we just have the two kinds.”

I paused, because that comment didn’t make any sense, especially given my 3-word simple question.

“No, its called Nona’s Macaroni Salad ($3.99/liter) are you Nona?”

She finally gets it.

“Haha, no,” she laughs. “It’s funny how they name foods isn’t it?”

In retrospect, it’s not funny at all.

“Yeah,” I reply. “Like, what guy’s girlfriend made that salad for him like, 20 years ago, and then he started a company and named the version after her.”
She laughs, not having expected this much to someone who should have been crushed by the lack of BBQ chicken with no red onions. I wonder if she DID have red onions…

I continue.

“But see, what they don’t tell you is that Nona has totally moved on from macaroni salad,” I say, with a hand flourish. My hands have come out of their respective pockety apartments.

“Haha.”

“Yeah, she graduated from making macaroni salad and got into tech. Now its ‘Nona’s Tech Stock picks,’”

She laughs more.

“Yeah, Nona is SO beyond macaroni salad,”

By this point she’s weighing my lunch, it’s a full $4.39 worth of Nona’s Macaroni Salad, the stuff that made her famous before she put $1,000 into Google.

“But her legend lives on.”
With one final click of a button, my lunch is ready for me to take home in its cute little clear plastic tub, and its cute little…

She starts wrapping it in saran wrap, no lid apparently.

“I’m out of lids,” she tells me.

“It was a hard year for lids,” I reply, she doesn’t respond.

She hands me my lunch and says “There are sporks in the basket near the meats.”

“Sporks? You have sporks? You just made my day!”

I grab one and leave to pay.

What are random acts of strangeness?

2006-12-31T12:47:00.000-08:00

Everyday, millions of interactions are lost in the rolling, plodding, meandering progression of our lives. Other folks become just people to tell about what kind of taco you want, or how much you want to deposit into your account.
Or worse, they become nothing but a head with a hand, ready to take your money and hand you something trivial.
But what if we - as a society - began to embrace the necessary contacts and turn them into something fun. Who among us hasn't had their day bettered by someone who just took the time to say "Hi, how are you, I really like that color of shirt, it makes you look like a superhero?
And to that goal, I dedicate this blog.
So get out there people, start talking to strangers, and let me know all about it here.